The Difference Between Self-Care and Selfishness

We often grow up hearing that caring for ourselves is selfish. But in therapy, one of the most healing shifts happens when clients learn that setting boundaries or saying no isn’t an act of neglect — it’s an act of balance.

Healthy self-care sits in the middle of a spectrum. On one end is self-neglect — ignoring our own needs to please or protect others. On the other is harmful selfishness — prioritising our own comfort while disregarding the impact on others. In the middle lies balanced self-care — where we recognise that both our needs and others’ needs matter.

“Bad selfishness” is usually about consistent disregard for others. For example, cancelling plans last minute because you simply couldn’t be bothered, or taking credit for others’ work. These actions may protect short-term comfort but harm relationships and erode trust.

Healthy self-care, on the other hand, is about awareness, respect, and balance. It’s the quiet strength of saying, “I need to rest,” even when guilt whispers otherwise. It’s choosing to recharge so you can show up more fully later.

Many clients feel guilty when they start practising self-care, especially if they’ve spent years being the reliable one. That guilt isn’t proof that you’re doing something wrong — it’s a sign that you’re crossing into new territory.

As therapists, we can help clients reframe self-care as a necessary form of sustainability, not selfishness. Protecting one’s time, energy, and emotional boundaries doesn’t harm others — it prevents burnout and resentment, allowing for genuine connection and generosity.

Learning this balance takes time. But the goal isn’t perfection; it’s awareness. When we care for ourselves with kindness and honesty, we become better equipped to care for others, too.